Friday, September 30, 2011

Truth #5

This year has absolutely flown by; it's already October tomorrow! WTF?

More than that, though, October marks the month where one year ago I decided to change my life.  And although divorce is something that is sad and awkward and tense and prone to make people avoid you and prone to make you experience jags of frustrated tears, I remain a resident of Hopeful, Unincorporated.

Truth #5:  I wish I had the balls to leave earlier than I did.

I know that I cannot change the past.  I know that I cannot please everyone.  I know that some people may think I am disparaging my wasband and our marriage.  Please know that I am not trying to do any of those things, honestly. 

This past year has taught me that making the decision to move forward without being married was a Good Decision.  Believe me, I played Devil's Advocate with myself and looked at every which way that leaving would be a detriment to my life.  There were just more checks in the "pro" column.

And now that I've had some distance from that decision, from the days of living in a friend's spare bedroom, from the days of listening to NPR every evening in the one armchair I bought at Goodwill in my rental dollhouse because I didn't have the extra cash to hook up the cable, from eating the same four meals overandoverandoverandover because they were cheap and the ingredients were available in bulk, from sneaking over to my old house during the day when no one was home to pilfer more of the items from the marriage that I thought I didn't need to share any longer...

...I can say that I wish I had done it sooner.  Maybe even years ago.

And now that I reside full-time in Hopeful, Unincorporated, I can look back at the dark days from last winter and this spring, and look at what many would call hardships and smile to myself because I know that I am a capable and intelligent woman, and that my strength comes from my gut, and what I know to be true right there. And so I leave you with this, one of my favorite Jewish proverbs:

"I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders."


Karin said...

I stumbled on this blog and had to comment. You are brave and resillient. Keep writing. from Karin who is still partly in the dark.

SF said...

Sissy, I ALWAYS knew you were intelligent and capable and strong. And I'm happy if you're happy. That is all!

Steph Pf said...

I love you.